I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
