Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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