Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
