I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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