No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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