I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
