Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize