she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Randomize
