So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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