Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
