do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
