You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
