The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
