Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
