So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
