The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
