I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
