bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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