i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
