I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
