Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
zippers are such a cool invention
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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