Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Randomize
