I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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