My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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