Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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