It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
