Apparently you make a good broom.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just invented taco cereal.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
