It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
