My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
