You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
