I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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