my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
