he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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