forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
