i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
