Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
