You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
