i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
