i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
