Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
