We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
