I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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