come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
