I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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