I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
