I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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