cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
