He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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