No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
