Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
