She is in my trunk
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have already put on my inside pants.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
