WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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