living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
