This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
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blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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