My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
