i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
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Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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