i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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