Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
