My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
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