So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
