The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
