They should really pass out barf bags in church
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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