The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
